Stop pretending to be happy. On how a leader’s sadness builds authentic leadership

Authentic leadership begins with the truth

For Christmas, I received a thoughtful and sophisticated gift from my older daughter. It was a book from the Harvard Business Review series, which suited my tastes perfectly. With great joy, I plunged into the book. Inside I found an article dedicated to the art of leading 1:1 meetings. In it, the author argued that a leader should always be full of joy, energy, motivation, and dynamism when he enters such meetings, because only then can he effectively inspire and engage his colleagues. As I read the following paragraphs, however, I found myself becoming more and more thoughtful.

While the idea in the article sounds compelling, I began to question it, wondering if every situation really requires this constant display of positive emotions. Can a leader who sometimes feels sad, depressed, or even anxious (in healthy amounts) still be effective? In our world that glorifies optimism and energy, is there room for authenticity, even if it means showing vulnerability? And what is joy and happiness anyway? After all, each of us defines it in our own way, and it is impossible to have a single definition of it.

However, I want to emphasize that the sadness I am writing about is a natural emotion that is part of our humanity. I am not referring to depression or other clinical conditions that require specialized help. I am talking about moments of reflection, fatigue or introspection that can teach us that sadness is not an obstacle, but part of the path we take to better understand ourselves, others and the world around us.

A culture of avoiding sadness

Modern culture seems to idealize constant joy, energy, and positive thinking. On social media, video platforms, at conferences, or in popular self-help books, leaders are often portrayed as upbeat individuals who can captivate a team and sometimes a crowd with their charisma. Personally, however, I look at this behavior with great caution, wondering if there is still room for truth and authenticity in this one right behavior, or if it is already learned and mechanical.

This worship of constant joy leads to a situation where we are taught from an early age that sadness is an undesirable emotion. You are probably familiar with phrases such as: “Don’t be sad”, “Cheer up” or “There’s nothing to worry about.

In adulthood, suppressing sadness is often seen as a sign of strength and professionalism. Such a pattern builds the belief that a leader should always be strong and unwavering, and that showing weakness can be perceived as a lack of competence.

Sadness and leadership effectiveness

Research by Schwarzmüller, Brosi, Spörrle, and Welpe shows that a leader’s emotions have a significant impact on perceptions of his or her power and effectiveness.

Findings suggest that leaders who show anger are often perceived as more dominant and in control of the situation. However, such an attitude can reduce trust and loyalty among the team. In contrast, leaders who are not afraid to express sadness in appropriate situations build deeper relationships and foster a sense of community within the team.

Research shows that being honest about your imperfections not only promotes authenticity, but also significantly improves team morale. Sadness can be a factor in bringing people together, inspiring empathy and understanding. Such authenticity helps a leader become more credible and human in the eyes of colleagues.

Additionally, according to the Global Leadership Forecast study , leaders who regularly show their vulnerabilities are 5.3 times more likely to build trust among their employees.

In this context, it is worth recalling the concept of Harry Triandis, who distinguished between vertical and horizontal collectivism. Vertical collectivism is based on adherence to a hierarchy in which those in higher positions have greater authority and status. In such structures, respect for such a person often comes from a combination of hierarchy and fear of the person in that position. In contrast, in organizations or societies with horizontal collectivism, there is less emphasis on power and authority and more emphasis on relationships and common group goals. Leaders in such environments earn respect by building trust and relationships, in part by being authentic.

Sadness as an adaptive emotion

Sadness is not just an emotion worth accepting. It also has specific adaptive benefits.

The study, “On the Beauty of Sadness“, points to a number of psychological, social, and evolutionary benefits associated with sadness. For example, sadness promotes reflection and improves the accuracy of judgment. It is also essential for development, allowing for a positive reinterpretation of life and building mental resilience.

The above studies suggest that allowing oneself to be sad can improve memory, motivation, and cognitive skills such as judgment and social perception. At the same time, it fosters creativity and reflection on goals, and promotes better interpersonal relationships through the development of empathy and compassion.

Modern culture, obsessed with the pursuit of happiness, marginalizes these benefits and treats sadness as a sign of failure or pathology, when in fact it is a necessary part of a healthy emotional life.

According to the study “The neuroscience of sadness“, sadness increases the ability to reflect, solve problems, and better understand the perspective of others. For a leader, this can be the moment when introspection becomes a tool for developing and building deeper relationships with team members.

In addition, sadness fosters the development of empathy, which, in the context of leadership, is an extremely important element in fostering healthy cooperation and understanding among people. Tim Lomas, in his article “The Quiet Virtues of Sadness“, outlines how sadness can support personal growth and better decision-making. He identifies three main functions of sadness:

1. Protection – sadness allows you to step back from unrealistic goals, conserve energy and assess the situation more accurately. It helps to identify areas that need to be changed or adjusted.
2. An expression of concern – expressing sadness can deepen interpersonal relationships by inspiring empathy and understanding in others.
3. Development – sadness encourages introspection, which can lead to a deeper understanding of oneself, one’s values and needs.

Studies also suggest that sadness can improve concentration and analytical thinking skills. For example, people in a state of sadness are more likely to pay attention to details and make more thoughtful decisions. In the context of leadership, this can be extremely useful, especially in situations that require delicacy and consideration.

In publication “Four Ways Sadness May Be Good for You“, Joseph P. Forgas points to research on sadness that adds four more functions to the above:

1. Increased ability to remember details – study participants in a sad mood more accurately recalled original details of scenes, ignoring misinformation, compared to those in a happy mood.
2. Improved judgment – people in a sad mood are more careful and accurate in their judgments. They are better able to detect deception and avoid cognitive biases such as the halo effect or attribution bias.
3. Increased motivation – sadness acts as an alarm that motivates people to take action. Study participants in a sad mood showed greater persistence and better performance on intellectually challenging tasks than those in a happy mood.
4. Better interactions – in situations that require more sensitivity and consideration, sad people are more attentive and polite. Their communication is more thoughtful and polite, which can be crucial in building relationships.

Sadness as a manifestation of authenticity

In my own example, I have found that honesty in sharing my emotions, including the more difficult moments, builds authentic leadership and relationships. When I share my fatigue or thoughts about challenges at work, I often get more support, help and commitment from teams. By allowing people to be themselves, teams are also more likely to participate in proposing solutions.

I believe authentic leadership helps demonstrate that a leader is not an infallible machine, but a human being striving for a common goal.

In retrospect, I recognize how much I learned through sadness. It was often the seed of change for the better for me. In an interview with EHC, I shared my experience of living with severe hemophilia, which, without hiding it, was full of pain. Despite this, even in the most difficult and sad moments, I managed to fulfill myself professionally, privately or socially, as well as do beautiful and good things and even inspire others. I never waited for the fact that I needed to feel joy or motivation within myself to actively take action. This taught me that happiness is not the driving force for action.

Diverse cultural perspectives

The perception of sadness in leadership can vary from culture to culture.

The authors of the study “On the beauty of sadness” call for a “rebranding” of sadness and encourage the open expression of this emotion, for example in everyday conversations (“How are you feeling?” – “I’m sad, thank you”). Such a change could reduce the stigma of sadness while promoting its positive aspects, such as building social solidarity or being more open to support.

In more stoic countries, leaders are often encouraged to hide their emotions, while in more emotionally open cultures, expressing sadness may be seen as a sign of maturity and empathy. Understanding these differences can help us better tailor our behavior to the needs of the team and the context.

How can a leader deal with sadness?

Sadness can be a challenge, but it can also be an opportunity for growth and relationship building. Rather than avoiding it, leaders can learn to use sadness constructively. Here are some practical ways to do this:

• Identifying the source of the emotion – sadness is a signal that something in our environment needs attention. We should ask ourselves: where is this emotion coming from? It may be the result of exhaustion, stress, insomnia, or difficult decisions. Being aware of why we are grieving allows us to respond more effectively to the cause.
• Introspection as a tool – sadness encourages reflection. Leaders can use this time to analyze their own values, goals, and challenges. Writing in a journal or talking with a trusted confidant can help you organize your thoughts and gain new perspectives. Introspection also turns temporary difficulties into opportunities for learning and growth.
• Communicating with the team – authenticity builds trust. A leader who is open about his or her emotions shows a human side. However, it is important to do this in a balanced way – sharing context helps avoid misunderstandings and shows that the leader remains committed and supportive of the team despite temporary sadness.
• Empathy for self and others – sadness allows us to better understand the emotions of those around us. People who experience sadness are more sensitive to the needs of others. This can be a good time to support the team. Research confirms that helping others can significantly increase our sense of happiness and well-being.
• Seek support – being a leader doesn’t have to be a lonely island. Sometimes talking to a mentor, family member or friend can help put things in perspective. It is also helpful to use tools such as coaching or therapy during difficult times.

Summary

Sadness is not a sign of weakness, but of our authenticity and humanity. In a world that often glorifies joy, optimism, and positive thinking, it is worth remembering that it is the full spectrum of emotions that makes us better leaders and people. Accepting sadness as a natural part of life allows us to better understand ourselves and others, build deeper relationships, and make more informed decisions.

I believe that if I thought of sadness as something bad, I would be doing a lot of harm to this beautiful and necessary emotion. After all, it was with it that I was able to achieve amazing goals and accomplishments during the hardest times. Isn’t it paradoxical that you can experience a “negative” emotion and create something positive at the same time? Creating value out of sadness shows that it is not an obstacle at all, but a natural human emotion that can be a teacher and an engine for change for the better.

How do you see the role of emotions in leadership? Share your thoughts in the comments below.